Written by Nakiece
Disclaimer **This blog is about giving birth and everything that follows that they DO NOT TELL YOU ABOUT. If that doesn’t tickle your fancy, read no further!**
Lets just clear this up once and for all — the births that you see on TV are fake! I repeat, it is BULLSHIT.
Yes, I know it’s not ACTUALLY happening, but considering births happen all the time, you’d think they’d at least try and make it look real, or even show different kinds of births.
Every movie birth is the same: scream, push, scream, push then clean looking baby gets put on chest.
Well let me tell you: sitting holding my grey, slightly swollen, 6lb 1oz baby, in what looked like a birthing pool of red wine, I soon found out how far from reality that was.
Let me start by saying I am aware no two births are the same, and depending on who you ask/what you’ve seen, you will form your own opinion.
But there are things that may take you by surprise BECAUSE NO-ONE TOLD YOU!!!!!
The pool of red wine was not an exaggeration btw. I knew there’d be blood, but this was in a different league.
I laugh in the face of a period when compared to after-birth-bleeding! When you’re filling up and going through a MATERNITY PAD, knickers, shorts and PJs 4 minutes after JUST changing, you’ll understand why I took the shelf of protective bed mats home.
And you’ll hold judgement. Ain’t nobody changing bed sheets every morning.
Oh and bloodclots… lets just say when I got out the pool to get STITCHED UP ( yep, that happened), I thought my placenta fell out. She had asked if I wanted to push out the placenta, or if I’d prefer the injection for it to be pulled out instead. My reply: “No need, it just fell out didn’t it?” Her reply: “No darling, that was a bloodclot.”
It hadn’t even been 10 minutes and the surprises had started, and in all honesty, I don’t think they’ve finished.
Like sleep. What is sleep? That was one thing they did prepare me for, but it was still MASSIVELY played down.
That being said, there is no way to prepare anyone for the level of tiredness you will feel and the physical effect giving birth has on you. Your body has just done a major thing, and it has no problem letting you know it.
I ached from head-to-toe. I felt weak and shaky. I had no feeling in my right leg/ankle/foot for 3 weeks — most likely because I gave birth on my knees. In silence. Head down.
A far cry from those movie births right?
Immediately after giving birth I was sooo short of breath from pushing, I couldn’t talk, walk properly nor stand straight.
I could feel EVERY stitch, and whilst it didn’t hurt, it was weird knowing she was literally weaving me back up.
Days following I tried to wee only morning and night because stitches + urine = NO THANK YOU.
As for pooing, I did not want to push another thing for the rest of my time on earth, so I prayeddddddddddd I didn’t need one. (Oh, don’t be ashamed if you poo during delivery, movie mamas apparently don’t, but you probably will).
If your snap back game is A1, I salute you. If not, you’ll be left looking at your Kangaroo pouch in disgust. Stretch marks — need I say more? Learn to love them. Not just the ones on your stomach, but the ones on the outside and inside of your thighs that kind’ve have no right in being there.
And baby’s first poo — meconium — is basically tar.
Then latching on for breastfeeding was non-existent. I know this isn’t the same for everyone, but I honestly was under the illusion it would happen straight away. Though tbf, my son had tongue-tie which affected his latch and it didn’t get corrected till he was 5 weeks.
5 WEEKS OF A POOR LATCH AND A HUNGRY BABY. Breastfeeding mommas, can you feel my pain?
They don’t tell you when your milk comes in your milk glands are soo swollen you won’t be able to put your arms down. Or any sight, smell, sound or even THOUGHT of a baby will make you leak, sorry no, POUR.
(FUN FACT: I went out in a pretty satin top for a few hours without baby, when he was due a feed MILES AWAY AT HOME, I starting leaking. Yippee.)
Since we’re talking about breast milk, don’t forget to squeeze baby’s nipples to drain theirs too.
Don’t believe the hype though. Don’t buy too much into the ‘breast is best’ malarkey (although it really is).
BREASTFEEDING IS ALSO EVIL. BREASTFEEDING IS ALSO TORTURE.
Pumping is not as easy as the Tommee Tippee adverts make it look, and the instructions do not tell you how to conduct yourself at 2:15am, after you’ve split 3oz of breast milk that took you 45 minutes to pump from your GOOD boob – yep, that’s a thing too.
And before I forget, lets not mention to mommas of baby girls that they may find bloody, watery/clear/white discharge in babas nappy, and mommas of boys, you will most definitely open a nappy to a lil winky standing to attention – don’t worry though mamas, totessssssss normal.
All that being said, it is the most beautiful, challenging, but rewarding experience.
Thank me later. X
By Nakiece, who you can follow on da gram
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